Maybe my birthday wasn't that boring afterall.
It was quite wonderful, in fact :D

I got a holga cam from like a list of people which made me HYPERVENTILATE (or something), yellow notebooks and a really nice letter from a friend which almost made me cry.

Thanks to all who wished me on msn, calls, fb, sms, in person :D



I don't feel much older yet. Maybe I will, soon.

I'll make myself promise to do something without hesitating.

Happy Birthday

Its my birthday in an hours' time. Strangely enough, I don't feel much excitement at all. Last year, I dared not hope because I knew everybody would be busy. Dared not hope. This year, there isn't any disappointment or whatsoever. Maybe I'm too tired to care.

I'm already so used to living college life somewhat alone. Not say alone, but having a tiny social circle. Also because I'm so busy myself, its not difficult to understand how people will forget. I forget birthdays from being too preoccupied with my own life too.


In the past, I didn't tell others beforehand about my birthday because I was afraid they'd think I'm thick-skinned or something.
Now, I don't tell others because I want to know who remembers despite their busy/stressful schedules. Piles of presents won't mean more than knowing who at least bothers to exercise their fingers to type a message.

In the past, I secretly hoped for piles of presents.
When I got a pouch from my cousin that day, I felt surprised. I like that element of surprise from expecting nothing.



I guess it'll mean I'll appreciate small somethings more than ever :)


I'm going to be eighteen and people have parties and all.
I don't have a secretly longing for a party, from the bottom of my heart. Because I don't see how it can be a blast.


Besides, celebrating my eighteenth birthday just like any other day in school shouldn't be "boring". I mean, what's the point in having an exciting birthday every year? You won't even remember which photo belongs to which year.

My life's all about school now, that's how I should celebrate it.

I remember my dream. Its so hauntingly real. You can never understand a person if they don't wish for you to. In some way or another we're satisfied with what we already have. I'm going back into the shell. I know its all just a dream but it might just come true.

Maybe its a level of superiority, or not.

Saw through that, but will it be made known?

wavelengths and frequencies

The both of us ended up talking instead of doing our work, but it was a nice talk. I don't know if I should say I just love it when I have a friend on the same wavelength as me and I can be so absolutely honest and not worry about being judged, but I really do. People can feel the same way as you do but have different reasons behind it.

As usual, there's so much on my mind that I can't begin to list them all out. Just that if feels abit better today cause I've actually talked alot of it out (besides the other thoughts I had on the bus after reading a book).

I SWEAR NONE of you will understand

You know, she told me I'm definitely capable of doing much better, because I'm able to argue my points out and they're rather good sometimes. That's when I'm not actually scribbling or falling asleep. She said I am lazy and don't want to put in the effort. She isn't the only one who said the same thing, and if you've been reading, you should know I'm not trying to brag.

I feel so stressed out by her, and her. I know they're concerned but.. I really, really won't be able to miraculously soar with their little talks.

I just feel frustrated that..my mind won't allow me to concentrate.

Truth be told, it really isn't because I'm lazy. Or distracted by the computer, or these external distractions. I can jolly well say I will NEVER be able to concentrate even if you put me in an empty room with my books. Its not like I CHOOSE not to concentrate, its just that all these things in my mind are bothering me so much that I REALLY CANNOT concentrate. Paired with that dumb neurotic perfectionist in me who refuses to accept ugly paintings in the first stages..sigh.


I think about all these questions, my brother says they're phases in life. Immature or mature ones alike. Just that I might think more than other people do, and some don't even think at all. There's nothing wrong or right about thinking or not, its just like that.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't know how to get them off my mind when I need to. I admit that. That's my fault, I also hope somebody can help me. Right now, nobody can.

I said I wanted to quit and start afresh next year. But I guess that isn't possible because they wouldn't allow me to. & I'm not brave enough to convince them. I think I'm willing to bear the consequences but I'm still afraid, I guess. Yeah, I'm such a coward, I should just do what is best and bear all the consequences.


What do I do now? Somebody, tell me.

Like you've had many conversations
but felt as though you haven't had any at all

& maybe when you feel lonely even if you've got people talking to you, because you don't feel close enough to anybody even if they think they are close to you. Is that bad? :(

Or when you've had conversations with people but it felt as though you've had none because conversations have to be meaningful.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST XUANEEEE! (I'll write the rest tmr!) I know you know that I love you loads and loads :D

Celebrated me and dad's birthday and crowne hotel (at T3) with a buffet dinner (the drunkenprawn soup and dessert = (expression depicting happiness joy etc). Lets just say the dinner wasn't really like a birthday dinner. We've definitely learnt alot during the 4 hours.

Shall type the rest another day, off to bed now.

I'm thinking about so much I can't begin to list them all out.
Someone give me 3 hours, just 3 would be enough.

Dad's back from hongkong & I want to talk to him so badly about all the problems and everything but there isn't time. I want to tell him about the 10 pages I wrote on the plane where I couldn't control my emotions and how I feel so sad all the time. But there isn't time.

Stop giving up, stop whining, be optimistic.

I'm thinking about so much I can't begin to list them all out.

Dad's back from hongkong & I want to talk to him so badly about everything but there isn't time. I want to tell him about the 10 pages I wrote on the plane where I couldn't control my emotions and how I feel so sad all the time.


But really, complaining about life should be the last thing anyone can do. The lecture reminded me of how everything that happens in your life is just a journey. So what if you fail your A's, its a journey. So what if you don't get something right the first time round?

It might be stupid of me to say this, but I'm actually quite glad I've changed the way I did (like, mentally) this year. These thoughts might be nonsensical and immature to another but each time I type something new, I know I've grown. Whatever I've typed yesterday or the day before might still not make sense but I know that one day, I will.

& I've learnt that sometimes we have to do it the hard way, and I know I shouldn't take things for granted and knowing what you want to do is not easy at all. You gotta keep searching (the journey might be tough), but one day you'll find it.


Is it wrong of me to say I'd rather learn from my mistakes in life than to merely listen to others telling me what is right/wrong?

Its now or never. Please don't give up.
Don't give up. Don't give up ever again.

Running in circles
Calling tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

Damn, I just realized what I wrote yesterday was crap.
I was just feeling floaty, disillusioned and calm. Weird.

Today's been an extremely tiring one, emotional rollercoaster for me from morning till afternoon. Thank goodness for my lovely art mates, sometimes it feels as though they're my diary or something :)

I can't feel my heartbeat, my mind is afloat.
My hands feel frozen although the night is not a cold one.
I'm now void of all emotions,
anything else that can trigger my emotions can be removed from my mind.
It is that calm.

I'll write a poem, if you can even call it one.

Just call it a little something.

Her heart beats at its own pace,
no longer controlled and suffocated, no emotions attached.
Her mind afloat,
with strangely no relation to where her two feet are grounded upon.


She stays oblivious to her surroundings,
with not a care about anything which brings her back to earth.
She has her head in the clouds,
soft thumping no longer felt, it has slowly faded away.


Stares at what is scattered around her,
gradually they fade away into complete darkness.
Opens her eyes once again,
this time in a corner far from reality, floating.


She doesn't let the waves carry her, they simply take her away.
She gazes at the sky with eyes that see through the darkness.
There is no light at the end of it,
nothing but pitch black all around her.


The darkness soon engulfs her as her head falls back,
her last bubble of breath dissolves in the water.
Then there was light,
and she was floating as she was sinking.


A portion of that past reality appears in light flashes,
she was staring into emptiness.
Surrounded by many others but strangely, alone.
Gazed lovingly into eyes, which didn't satisfy.

Eventually she broke free from all emotional burden,
alone, but real. Alone, but free.
What she couldn't accept was herself,
she wanted to be who she wanted to be, not herself.


With a whirling mind she forced herself away,
she wants to at least enjoy before she can never again.
No more recollections, no more flashbacks.
Just an ethereal moment she hopes will be neverending.


She reaches the bottom, and closes her eyes.
She lay still. She turned stone cold like the deep blue sea.

Everything else went on as usual.
Everything goes on as usual.
Nothing stopped for her.
Nothing will ever stop for her.

Nothing.

Was just thinking about how its the second time the same thing has happened. Its so easy to be yourself, but we unconsciously behave differently sometimes. They say friends are the mirrors reflecting the truth of who we are, we need to be constantly reminded of who we are and what we've become.

Its just that people change, and that doesn't mean they're not being themselves right? What does it mean to be yourself? Whoever you want to become or it should just come without thinking? Lets say someone changes for the better. Will the people around him ask him to be himself? So what do these words actually mean?

I guess you'll learn to know the changes in you after someone points it out, so go back to the start, and run again.

Facing fears

I did something absolutely crazy and out of my mind today. I don't know what made me do it, but my intention was to clear everything off my mind, my system. Sometimes you don't think about the consequences when you really want to do something. I've been living life by putting whatever I wanted to do before anything else.

I always thought changing your perspective could change things enormously. To a very large extent it did, but today I learnt it does not change EVERYTHING. You can't always consider things from your point of view in life, its important to consider how the other party might react. Have you given them space to react? Or have you considered its difficult for them to react?


Regret it? No I don't. Not at all, in fact. Its funny how facing your fears in an instant can be so easy when you've been fearing it all your life. Its also my first time doing something like that and.. it came just like that. I admit it feels good even if it might seem 'dumb' to others. I'm surprised by how I didn't care about any consequences.

We always fear consequences, but when they actually happen, they're not so bad afterall. Maybe. Maybe things wouldn't be the same anymore, but I'm living by the rules I've set for myself in life. I told myself to be honest no matter what.

The result of that? Well there wasn't an intended result to start with. When I went ahead with what I WANTED to do, I honestly wasn't expecting anything. Just to speak my mind. I'm satisfied. I didn't think I'd be satisfied with this, but I am :)

Inhaled too much turpentine. Brain might die soon.

Should I ask? Maybe I'm not asking because I will feel inferior and senseless. I should put my pride down and learn, shouldn't I? As much as I value my own opinion about things, there is always room for others' ideas. It doesn't matter what they think of you.

Seeing is believing?

As a follow-up to what I wrote yesterday, can we actually agree or disagree with this statement? I was reading about the differences between pseduopsychology and psychology, and it states that pseudopsychology is "unsupported psychological beliefs masquerading as scientific truth" whereas psychology supports all evidences by performing tests etc. There is cold, hard evidence. (which may actually be debunked later but nevermind that) To put it in a simpler form.

They're basically saying we should believe in something only if there's concrete evidence, correct me if I'm wrong. Humans will only believe unless they see it. As children, we learnt about things because adults tell us its there, and we weren't old enough to disagree. Scientific evidences are what we believe in.


The thing is, how should we know if what we're seeing is REALLY there or NOT? Schizophrenics should very well believe that whatever hallucinations they have are real. You can only be a schizophrenic when somebody tells you you're seeing things (correct me if I'm wrong). We believe when the majority does, and each additional person forms the majority.

What if they majority is actually not right? What if something everybody believes to be existing is actually not really existing? You believe its THERE because other people tell you "no, look, its THERE!". Even if it wasn't there at first, you'll keep telling yourself its THERE because everybody else says so. Then you'll go "what right do I have to not believe?".

What if the FIRST person to know about that truth was wrong? It really only became "right" until more and more people agreed.



Eventually, we'll always choose to believe because we see no point in not believing. I mean, since we're here on earth, why make life so difficult by doubting the existence of everything around you, even yourself? Just give life the benefit of doubt and make life a little simpler. (Then why do I still ask? :/)

That does not mean I truly agree with the phrase "seeing is believing". For me, believing still isn't about the evidence. I don't even know what it is. Its just that there isn't much of a point disagreeing. Since you're in that fairytale, just live in it. Stay oblivious and be happy.

Maybe we're all made up of nothing and we're living in deception. Maybe I'm not here, and you're not there. I can never seem to accept anything that's not TRUE. Then again, even if it was, I'd still question it anyway. The day I stop questioning is the day my heart tells me to just live with it. To choose to believe even if it might not be true.

If you never believe, then keep questioning until you find out WHY you're always questioning. Maybe it'll help.

Its all about yourself. Nothing can make you believe until you choose to. So am I real? Is heaven real? I'll think about it again.

Choosing not to believe simply means you're on your own, you have nobody to rely upon. You've chosen your own path.

I'm sure many millions before me have thought the same way.

If you don't believe in it, it wouldn't exist.

Lately, I've been thinking alot about death. It feels like nothing to me, it feels as though I'll simply vanish from the face of this earth without anything about heaven or hell. To end your life is your decision, and it is very selfish, but by staying strong and 'facing your fears', you're really only living for the sake of others. What are we here on earth for?


If you don't believe it, then it wouldn't exist, right? Even if the rest of the world think it does. Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you believe in everything happening around you? If you don't believe in heaven or hell, there will NEVER be heaven or hell.

People only believe because they are UNCERTAIN if it actually exists. They doubt its existence, but just in case it really exists, they'll land somewhere safe. Isn't that so? They say "we'll never know about these things, but we're humans and who are we to think that way? So don't be proud/ignorant and just believe". Is questioning being proud?


If you doubt, then what is it that you believe in? If there's nothing to believe in, why not just die? But death is an end to a life, and if we don't believe we actually exist, how can it even have an end? We are living, aren't we? Are we?

Where does this disbelief come from? Believing disbelief?




I hope nobody's offended. I'm merely questioning and not saying I'm right. The thing is, is there even right or wrong when nobody really knows the answers? Can anybody say I'm wrong for thinking this way? I know I can't say its right. Or wrong.

Sometimes I ask why I keep thinking about all these. When I'm not being emotional, I'm thinking about these. As much as I question why, a part of me likes the thought process. It does make life a little less scarier.

"most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation".

I hate to admit how true this sentence is. I've always wished I was born a few hundred years earlier where people had the freedom to create without having to worry about something being original or not. But then again, if this act of 'mimicry' makes the old things better, what is so wrong about it? Why do we reject it so much? I know I do.

If you were the first, whatever you do wouldn't be mimicry.

Is it really mimicry if we didn't have the intention of doing so?

I should feel bad for not caring, but I really don't care.

Like how most probably don't care about what I say either. Like how some probably won't care if I existed at all. They're not obliged to care and all I need is people to talk to. Maybe I'm just selfish, a cynic and I simply confuse myself.

After trying to speak to people first, I'll go back to waiting. Its not being insecure, I just don't want to talk to someone who doesn't REALLY want to talk to me. I don't want them to feel forced to talk to me. I'll only speak first when I need to.

But what if...they are waiting too? I'll just assume they aren't.

I think.

I've been reading up on depression lately because I've been suffering from inability to concentrate, bad cases of forgetfulness and many other 'symptoms'. It isn't as easy as that, but I shan't elaborate lest it'll sound like whining.

& please, I'm saying this because I just want to write it down, not to get anybody's sympathy. Please don't try to act nicer/differently because of this or it'll make me crazier.


Maybe its due to me wanting to know the truth about everything, doing something only if there's meaning or if its something I like (therefore suffering grades), worrying about what to do in my future, constantly accessing what I'm good/not good at to try to find out what I should do in the future. I just want to do something I like, and not something to get money, or meet expectations.

I've made mistakes. I wanted to do art, but I keep thinking I'm not good enough and I'm so stressed up by A'level art that I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. How to survive like that in the future? I love music but.... there are just so many buts.

Other people might be able to do something they love even though they're not good at it because they can accept failures and I can't. I'm afraid I'll lose my interest in something. My interests are basically art and music. I know I should get rid of this soon.


Then I thought about psychology, which I've been interested in since young. Sadly, you need rather good grades for university and there's increasing competition for the course. Don't you think its a little too late for me to work hard right now? This is the only reason why I want to retake my A's.

My refusal to work hard because I find no meaning in what I'm doing now might be the death of me. It will be. I refuse to do anything I don't like, I refuse to do something meaningless, I refuse to say things that I don't mean. I know I'll have to pay for that.

But it feels like I'm living life. I feel happier that way, just that the environment around me is pressurizing me. This conflict between what I want to do and what I'm supposed to is KILLING ME.



I've always thought of retaking the A's. I need a mistake to happen to know what I want in life, I really do. Fail, retake and do it better.

I'm not just plain lazy, or distracted because of games. Its just that I get so confused about my future and what I'm good at that it occupies my mind all the time and I'd rather do things I'm better at.

They say you have to force yourself to do things you don't like in order to succeed sometimes. BUT I REALLY CAN'T AND I'M NOT THAT STUPID IMMATURE KID WHO USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT LOUSY GRADES CAUSE I DON'T STUDY ANYMORE.

I'm just confused and can't do things meaninglessly. Maybe I'm still immature, and I'm the only one who can help myself mature.

So I have been researching about depression the past few days. There are many causes of depression, but one states "worrying about one's future", and there are other symptoms like loss of memory and inability to concentrate (experiencing both right now).

I thought about it, and I realized I'm always worried about my future. At first, I wanted to do art. Then I realized I don't have THAT much passion for it. Then, I thought about music. I love it alot but I don't know if I'm good enough to do composing or even perform, and I'm afraid I might lose interest in it as well.

Then my friend told me I shouldn't let myself be limited by what I'm good at, because I'll regret it. That's true, because I know I regret not taking lit though I'll like it just because I didn't take it in secondary 4 and doubted my abilities. I would have been happier studying lit than econs. Definitely.

Then I thought about psychology. I've always been interested about these things about the human mind, and philosophy too. But I know I'm probably not good enough to study philosophy and psychology involves maths and I'm not sure if that will deter me from studying more. I don't know, but I've always been interested. Problem is, its not easy to get it given my current grades.


I'm constantly thinking about what I'm good at and what I can do in the future.

Learning Its all about you, Sweet caroline and Collide on the guitar! Talked to kaiying after econs too :)

The researching I did yesterday seems to help abit. At least I finally got some questions answered.

I'm either extremely stressed or depressed because I'm having very bad memory problems (too many examples to list), extremely short concentration span, I don't feel like talking to people lately, I feel extremely irritable, I've got mood swings, I've got feelings of anxiety all the time, I worry about my relationship with people, I've got very low self confidence, extreme difficulty in making decisions, I always think too much about my problems.

Its strange how I don't feel like talking much to people lately. I either don't respond to conversations or have trouble maintaining a conversation such that I end up saying stupid things.

Sorry to those who had to tolerate my late or short responses, or things I say which seem as though I don't care.


Here's something interesting, I'm always confused about being an introvert or extrovert, now I'm certain I'm an Introvert.

Some introverts aren't stereotypically shy and can strike up conversations with anyone. These introverts enjoy talking and listening to people, and going to parties and events. But most introverts would rather be at home. Introverts can find small talk easy but tiring – and sometimes boring. They'd rather have meaningful conversations about the depths of human souls and minds, but find few opportunities (those aren't your usual conversations at water coolers or dinner parties!).

How introverts communicate

highly sensitive person in love are overly cautious AND overly intense.
Characteristics of highly sensitve people.
(I think I'm obviously highly sensitive)
Diff between being Highly sensitive, introverts, extroverts

Signs of depression

.... I just spent 3 hours reading articles.

Out with peixuan

I can't upload photos, but its fine. I'll just add them in tomorrow or something :) Xuanee & I finally met up after a month or so, this time to really go out! :D Met her at Orchard (where I bought a yellow top), walked to fareast for oyster meesua then to heeren at somerset to hunt for my bag (I got one but it really is TOO BIG FOR ME! D:) and then to Plaza Singapura at Dhoby ghaut to hunt for materials to decorate the bag! I settled for velcro strips, eyes and pretty buttons which the both of us spent some time choosing :D

Last stop was BAKERZIN at tampines 1 where we had our free birthday cakes (both of our birthdays fall on june), 1 for 1 pasta, free flow bread and water all just for 12.60 bucks for the both of us! You gotta be kidding if you tell me that's not worth it! :D

Legs and jaws alittle tired from talking and walking from orchardtosomersettodhoby&traintotampines, but the desert and dinner makes up for everything!

XUANEE MADE ME A PHOTOALBUM AND WROTE ME A NOTE WHICH I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO READ TILL MY BIRTHDAY TOO :D (plus a coupla other gifts). Thankyou so much xuanee (for all the sweet handmade presents the previous years too hehe) HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE TO BOTH OF US AND JIAYOU FOR YOUR JCTs xuaneeee! :D

I'll end this simple post here till the photos are uploaded! :)

& I'm still thinking alot about
what we talked about yesterday too

everything about life, not so much of death

Honestly, I'm thankful I've got a friend whom I can talk to about all these stuff. Lately, I've been thinking about (read post below) my religion. I've talked to two friends about it this week, one who thinks the same way I do and the other who used to but not anymore.

Topic slightly sensitive so I won't be saying much at all?

I don't understand why others can believe while I've been questioning ever since I was in Secondary 3. I tried going back to church with my mom or with my friends again and again, but I'll always end up not going.

Basically, I don't want to see it as a place to seek solace cause it feels wrong. It shouldn't be because I want to go to heaven, therefore I go to church. Maybe I just can't seem to find out the other reasons.

Life's only about what's in the middle isn't it? (well not necessarily shit, of course) Does it matter what happens after that?

Does knowing where we can go after we die matter so much? I see death as.. well just a dead body without feelings and emotions. That's all there is to me.

I stumbled upon this site which writes about some ideas I agree to. In it, I found a quotation pretty meaningful by philosopher Raymond Bradley:

“ . . . my answer to the question ‘What is the meaning of life?’ is akin to the answer I would give to the question ‘What is the meaning of such and such a book?’ The meaning of a book is to be found in the words, the sentences, the paragraphs, and the chapters it contains. Likewise, the meaning of life is to be found in the meaningful moments, episodes, and achievements that occur within our brief appearance here on earth. A book doesn't lack meaning because it comes to an end on the last page. Nor do our lives lack meaning because they come to an end when all neural activity ceases.”

Speaking of an end to life, I don't fear death. I fear the process of death and the complicated matters of emotional ties and such. I fear the death of my loved ones, but not my own.




Its a little strange how I can't put the rest of my thoughts into words. There's too much to say, and one thought leads to another. I'll let them "spice up" my long busrides for now and save this space for the troubled or greatly inspiring ones that come from within.

Art hasn't been productive at all today, not the past two weeks too, in fact. The clouds haven't been treating me well (or I haven't been treating them well), and I'm off to the books now. The first time I'm actually flipping a book open this holidays.

I'm actually extremely worried for the A'levels, coursework and schoolwork alike. I don't seem to be going anywhere at all.

I'd still like to say thanks to the few for making time spent in the art room so enjoyable. Won't we miss those outbursts of laughter, insults and all things nonsensical after everything is over? :)

There's so much on my mind right now, I've been thinking about everything since evening. During the little talk we had, the bus ride, on the way home, and even now.

There's so much on my mind right now, I don't know how I should start writing them down. It'll take all night, for sure.

There's so much on my mind right now, I'm afraid I'll forget what I've thought about. The ones today makes alot of sense.


Let me try to encapsulate things.

I don't care if the truth hurts. All I want is the truth and nothing but the truth. Knowing the truth that hurts is better than not knowing for sure what the person is thinking. Its true we'll never know the truth, but by telling them this, they should at least know they won't be afraid of hurting you with the truth.

Faking the smile till you get it won't help, you can't fake your feelings.

I will never, ever hide my feelings. Be honest about everything.

I don't understand why I keep having questions about the higher law. Actually I do, I still believe everything comes from yourself.

I feel guilty that I take you for granted sometimes. I love you so.

The phrase "they're not worth your time, just let go" STILL doesn't make sense. Sometimes I act as though I don't care but deep down inside I don't mind caring, I just need time to feel closer to the person.

I want to know people who think like me because I find security in that. But that doesn't mean it's the only reason for our friendship.

I don't dare to say I have a best friend, because I'm afraid the person might not feel I'm her best friend and that'll be stupid.

Maybe its just me, but I find the phrase "don't worry, I have faith in you :)" superficial. Unless they say it to you and not over facebook messages. I don't understand why I care so much about how "superficial" something is.

I feel bad that I'm always the one in control of relationships. There was only once or twice where I wasn't in control.



Why am I such a problematic person? I honestly feel like a bad person sometimes. I feel good talking to those who understand.

I was thinking about how walking around alone feels quite good. Explored some parts of the esplanade today. I dislike crowds.

This red, beating, heart-shaped thing

You with the great music taste,
you who plays it well,
you with the mind which thinks,
you who writes so well,
you who sees the beauty of art.

you who understands me so,
you who can be honest around me,
you who shares all your thoughts with me,
you who enlightens me with your deep thoughts,
you who might make me feel so loved,
and I might love as well.

I'll never find you.
and I'll never be good enough for you.

This red, beating, heart-shaped thing.
I'm far too young to know what it really is,
and too old for immature definitions of it.

Its easy to fall in love, but hard to tell which is the right one.
Strangely, one never thinks of all these when they're in love.
Its even stranger that I'm writing these when I'm not in love,
not much, at least.

hormones screw your mind up, make you suffocate others,
maybe you just want to think its fine being alone cause you are,
because it probably is a splendid thing afterall.

If I never do find it,

I want to roam the world,
work part-time at the weirdest places,
do the weirdest things I love,
do art and music (and try to get better at it),
talk to strangers everyday and learn new things,
live with a roommate somewhere & live on the streets,

adopt a new born. They remind me of hope and fragility.
If I'll never have one of my own.
I'm imagining myself in london, how great that would be.

I was thinking about how walking around alone feels quite good. Explored some parts of the esplanade today. I dislike crowds.

Life sounds kind of fun, just not right now.

When someone walks out of your life, let them. There's no use in wasting your time on people that leave you. What you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. Yeah, you may miss them. But remember that you did all you could do, and that you weren't the one that gave up.

What if you think you haven't done all you could? How do we know if we've done our best when there's always something to improve on? Is it worth it to keep waiting and trying? Isn't that what we're supposed to do - to persevere on till we get what we're satisfied with?



For the very first time in months, I went to bed even though I wasn't tired. For the first time in weeks, I could remember my dreams very clearly, and they were strange ones. I'm going to write them down later.

waiting for someone to talk to you because you want to talk without them feeling obliged to reply

Many people already know this, but I hate talking to people first. Because I'm afraid they wouldn't reply or they actually don't really like talking to me just that they'll have to reply for courtesy's sake. Its different when people talk to you first, cause you know for certain they want to talk to you.

Sometimes I wait for people to smile at me before I dare to smile at them too in case I get ignored. Unless its someone I'm close to.

Sometimes I randomly text friends or write notes to them if I miss them. I like it when they do the same too. You don’t expect replies (besides ‘thanks’) when you write notes so you know they’re not obliged to reply. Its not like a conversation where it has to be ongoing even if you’ve got nothing to say. Of course its best when conversations just flow after that.

The most important thing is to bring across the point that you miss them and you want them to know that.

Face to face conversations are much better because you can read their body languages, expressions to tell what they're thinking, and there wouldn't be such thing as "oh I gtg for dinner now, bye!" or no replies.

I actually enjoy starting conversations in real life, cause I'll know when i should stop and some conversations can go on forever. The gestures and expressions add so much more value to these chats. Those who know me well should know I'll never stop talking. Talking to strangers make my day too.


Maybe I'm just afraid. I don't dare lift my expectations too high when it comes to my relationship with people in case I get disappointed. Growing up makes you think about these things, but it also helps you discover who are the ones you can really connect with.

Many people already know this, but I hate talking to people first. Because I'm afraid they wouldn't reply or they actually don't like talking to me just that they'll have to reply for courtesy's sake. Its different when people talk to you first, cause you know for certain they want to talk to you.

I only talk to people (online) if I really have the urge to, and I did that two times this month. The feeling of clicking on someone else's name on msn feels SO odd. One friend said she was SHOCKED (pleasantly right) and the other was cause we haven't spoken in ages.

Its like how I don't normally text unless I have the urge to say "I miss you" or stuff like "what work is there?" I know its quite annoying when I always reply late after a few messages, maybe that's why people don't me much either.

Its bad when they type me long messages, and I've got soooo much to say but too busy at that moment to reply. Then I end up replying late.

Yes, I do wait for people to talk to me. I like that feeling.



Face to face conversations are much better because you can read their body languages, expressions to tell what they're thinking, and there wouldn't be such thing as "oh I gtg for dinner now, bye!" or no replies.

Well actually... I wait for people to smile at me before I dare to smile at them too. Unless its someone I'm close to. In case I get ignored.

I actually enjoy starting conversations in real life, cause I'll know when i should stop and some conversations can go on forever. The gestures and expressions add so much more value to these chats. Those who know me well should know I'll never stop talking.

Talking to strangers make my day too.



Maybe I'm just afraid. I don't dare lift my expectations when it comes to my relationship with people in case I get disappointed.

Maybe there are lots more people out there who have all those questions in their heads. Those that you won't have answers to.

I always wonder if I'll be thinking so much in the future. Always and forever thinking (even between songs). It was a really great talk I had with kaiying just now, over two bowls of Japanese Curry.

Whenever I'm feeling contented, I tend to think less and it makes me a little uneasy. Or I'd think alot but not write them down.

MEET THE CRAZY ART MATES

our new friend


SARAH SAWAH making out with LOSER
(nad named it loser)

ME making out with loser

CURIOUSITY KILLED THE NETTE

SYAI RARA

NAD!

serenading the mannequin


(ebe's mannequin photo is with nette)

Perhaps I should talk about the more positive side of life :)

Despite our (extremely) hectic schedule for art - which is basically school from morning till night on mondays to fridays, morning till evening on saturdays - some hilarious and interesting stuff have been happening lately.

FIRST AND FOREMOST - I'm learning how to play the guitar! More or less able to play qing2 tian1 and collide (first few bars) with the help from nette and syai :D Its becoming really addictive so I'll probably spend my free time in the art room learning how to play it now. Thanks to peixuan who lent it to me in the first place, though I only started to play it 2 days (or was it 3?) ago.

MY FINGERTIPS HURT A HELL LOT.



The rest consists of me embarrassing myself, bickering with Sarah, practically ROFL-ing with the art mates, funny miss k & us moments etc. For memories' sake, here are a few things we did:


I stared at miss kwa with the omg seriously?! face when she told us she was going to the gym and would only be back later. Which led her to say "Yes Emma? what's with that stupid face?" and I gave "uhh, HUH what did you say just now??" as an answer cause I wanted to confirm if it was really the GYM. The stupid part was when Sarah thought she left and went "HAHA OMG EMMA WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING JUST NOW?!" ... the moment miss k walked back into the room.

Miss K thinks I'm a greedy pig again cause syai went "YES EMMA HAS THAT FACE THAT SAYS SHE WANTS IT BADLY" when miss k asked if we wanted anything from old chang kee.

*I was taking damn long to decide what to order from kfc*
Miss K: "quiiiickkkkkkkk"
Me: "okayyyy should I have mash potato or coleslaw?!"
Miss K: "Just have both, since you say coleslaw is healthy and mashed potato satisfies your craving right? Quick I'm hungry!"
Me: "okayyy shall order now"
Miss K (to linette): "no don't let her order she'll take damn long!"

*sarah and I bickering*
Me: I want to peeeeellll
Sarah: Noooo don't want lehhhhh
Me: but I want to peeelllll
Sarah: I said I don't wanttttt
Miss K: (gives omg what are you childish girls doing?! face) You can ONLY peel it when you're very sure!)
Sarah & I (looking at each other) HAHAHHAH

SARAH IS SCARED OF MY BLOODY HOLE. HAHAHAH.

CURIOSITY KILLS THE NETTE. hyde. hahahah. She thinks the chicken rice uncle looks like hyde (the hair, yes HAHA) I didn't post the picture of her grabbing the mannequin's boobs but she seems to enjoy doing that, as much as she enjoys thinking of hyde. No she can't control herself HAHA.




I'll end here for tonight. Light and short post :D

Missed less than a mark to a bee for art, and its supposed to mean alot cause I don't have any points from other subjects. But well, the points don't bother me much. Not at all, actually. The fact that I'm still only passing the same few subjects (no wait, failed an additional one) does. Does it? Maybe it bothers me much more that my final coursework isn't looking too good. Nothing's looking good, all of us don't study after we reach home at night due to fatigue. More so for me and i still have to catch up with J1 work. rantrantrant.

When would the world just let me be?

Leave me alone, I don't think the words of others will help. Maybe I don't even deserve the love of anybody, I'm aware I'm not treating you the best way I could have but I really, really, really, feel very suffocated whenever you drown me in those words of yours, in that tone, whenever possible.

I know you mean well, and its wrong for me to hate restriction so much, but everything is KILLING me. I'm sorry I break down so often, I'm so emotionally unstable and I cause so much pain and agony to everyone around me. Truth is, I think I'm in much more pain and agony myself.

I'm still sorry I make you so troubled and helpless even though you've done so much for me. I'm sorry I act the way I do, I'm sorry I let my emotions take control of me, I'm sorry I speak my mind. I'm sorry I have so many 'special needs', I'm sorry but I really want to be alone.

---

Sometimes I'd rather be alone, then I'd be free from the troubles of others misunderstanding me, having to express myself or controlling my emotions. Why am I born strange like that, why can't I lead a normal life and not be so sensitive about everything? The things I think about aren't easily understood, I've learnt.


This feeling of not being able to express every thought on my mind right now is killing me. The emotions so overwhelming, I don't know where to start. So much I want to say such that its impossible for anybody to understand.

Just for tonight, I'll keep the rest of these incoherent, strange, depressing thoughts to myself. I feel I'm not part of this...world today.

I really wish some psychological disorder would just hit me.

When will I not have such high expectations of myself?

Nothing I do will satisfy me, I feel lousy, I feel lost, confused, hopeless, I don't know what to do. I know its impossible for me to achieve such high standards, yet I can't take it when I don't. Its easy to say "then don't set such high standards", but so difficult to do that.

I'm quick to judge, I've got a sharp eye for what's good and what not, and I WILL NOT allow myself to do something that's bad in my eyes.

Others train for years to attain those skills, while I expect myself to produce the same results when I've only got a year or so of experience. Then I get extremely frustrated when the painting doesn't turn out well. The thing is, I can't afford to do something bad either. Its the freaking A's.

There are so many other things I have to catch up on too, but I'm always tired and can't concentrate. I can't bloody concentrate and its so bloody annoying. It annoys the shit out of me, I can't even sit still for half an hour.

I worry the shit out of myself about the future. I don't know what to do and I don't know what will happen. I honestly don't understand why I can't concentrate. Most importantly, I don't know what I want. I know what I love but I don't know what I love the most in order to choose a path.

On top of all that, I expect myself to be great at what I love and what I will choose, and I'm not sure what that is.


Living feels like a chore sometimes.

Ambivalent

- (noun) simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action.


The word Miss K used to describe my coursework over our KFC meal today. I think it fits me really well. So well that I started to laugh while reading the definition halfway, Linette and Miss K too HAHA.

I hope I'll be able to find suitable words to put on my paintings for the coursework! I'm FINALLY (almost) done with the background layer for the sunset so I'll move onto the next painting of the clouds (like, an ENTIRE canvas with clouds) and get back to the clouds in the sunset painting after it dries.

Played the same song on repeat from 8am till 10pm (with breaks in between of course), Mononke Hime Medley!


I dont know if I should ask I don't know if I should ask.

Always be honest about your feelings, no matter what

I'm not talking about those "I like you so I'm going to tell you" kind of feelings, but whatever kind of emotions in you. Its important in communication because people can't always guess what's on your mind.

Sometimes, you think people don't understand you but they really do. Just that they don't dare to show they do cause you might make it seem as though you don't want others to understand you. Then we get trapped in a cycle of not wanting to express ourselves to other people, afraid they might not understand and have thoughts about you that may hurt you. I think we should never be afraid to show who we really are.

I don't know why it makes me feel better to know there are people who think like me, and how it disturbs me a little to know some people do too, but assume others don't understand. I don't know why there's something in me that wants to understand everybody around me. Maybe because the basis of good relationships with people is understanding.

Why does it make us feel better to know we're not the only ones? I'm looking forward to talking to those few :D

Why I am happy today: I got to do the three things I love the most - painting, playing/listening to music, thinking (and I did them with my friends)

I had fun hanging out with Shanhui today. We went for the the beautiful sunday concert featuring philharmonic youthwinds playing songs from games, animations, movies. Music really makes me happy, I've never felt so happy in a long, long time. Its pretty funny how songs can really tug at your heartstrings but they really do.

We walked all around suntec, to iluma, to bugis till our feet hurt but it was great having conversations along the way. Enjoyed every bit of the day :)

I shall emphasize on the point that I've never felt so happy in a long, long time. Hearing the band play familiar pieces makes me think about what I could do in the future. I know I'm nowhere near good on the flute since I've just picked it up, but I'd really love to play in a band/orchestra when I grow up. I must improve and not lose passion for it. Not to forget about the piano too.


Painting with Sarah in the artroom today and yesterday night made me realise how much I love painting and how I'm willing to stay in school for longer periods of time to paint. I do get frustrated when I don't get it right but I should improve if I build up on them. We had our little adventure these two days too ;D



short shoutouts (not in order of importance)

Sarah, this is for you and I feel really glad to have you to talk to about absolutely anything. Like absolutely everything.

Peixuan, I actually do look forward to you saying hi to me everyday and thanks for all your JIAYOUs and everything. can't wait to see you!!

Syairah, thanks for the tag :D I miss walking to the busstop with you haha! & I LOVE THE BAG TOO. & I like how the few of us share everything!

Linette, who always thinks too much like me. I'm always on for any trip for food or whatever! :D

Anna, we should really get out soon and have a talk over a cuppa tea or our trip to cool places. welcome back! :D

Kaiying, the conversation we had on the bed yesterday felt great though it was a short one! Meet up soon k!

Ashley, sorry I'm always busy when you want to meet up with you :( Seeyou soon!

Annia, for being the person I always miss and feel close to even though we seldom get to see each other!

Riane, for being the person I always miss too! & for putting a smile on my face everytime I bump into you.

Shanhui, I really enjoyed to day and can't wait for our next trip out! :D

Rayseen, "I KNOW RIGHT" must be our most said phrase. D: too. haha!

Kenneth, for all your encouragements too, STICK TO YOUR SCHEDULE TOO DUDE :D


I'm thankful for you all :) I don't know if I'll suddenly remember somebody after switching off the computer, just as long as your name appears here eventually :D


The sentences in this post are so simple yet honest.
You don't have to wonder if they are, I know they are.

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

First layer of oil painting done (its not really taking shape but I hope it will), and misskwa still thinks I'm a glutton. Nette and I had vitamilk in glassbottles on the way to the bus stop, and I was greeted by my bro's friends and band hero on a ps3 upon reaching home. No points for guessing what I did from 10:30 till 12:30 :D :D :D

Day's events aside, the facebook group - "could we pretend that airpla-" NO STFU might just be one of my favourite groups ever. (like, jokingly) Its a little annoying when they keep playing it at subway, and when it appears on almost everybody's facebook status. That's not to say I haven't sang to it before, but then again, I sing to almost every song I hear. Either way, the person who created the group deserves a prize for reading my mind. (and many other peoples'). KUDOS :D

Pardon my excessive usage of the word "annoyed", its interchangeable with -.- Just so you won't think I'm pissed off or whatever.


AHH THERE ARE PATCHES OF BLACK OIL PAINT ON MY SKIRT.

Absolutely LOVE this painting by schlady on deviantart.
(a little more colours in the sky would do great but the bottom half's really good. To me, at least.)



This sunset painting by brunovano too.


Searching for visuals is taking forever.

Neurotic

Largely personal, but nobody reads anyway.

Sometimes I wish I had some kind of psychological disorder so people won't say anything about me when I do anything strange. Then I'll be free to do whatever and not be blamed. I know this thought itself is strange, but I really don't mind.


I can't stop thinking the way I'm thinking and I don't think anybody bothers reading this anymore. It doesn't matter. I re-read the scrawls across the pages mixed with the hot tears, I was sobbing uncontrollably and the only way that made me feel better was to pen down my thoughts and emotions.

I didn't feel like talking to anybody and I never will. Its a never-ending cycle, I know. Each time I feel that emotional burden, I'll put it into words in my personal diary or somewhere safe where nobody will read. Most of the time I wont' stop writing till many pages later. I'll feel better but a week later, all those thoughts would come to me again.

I wonder if I'm really neurotic. I wonder why I think so much even though I don't want to. I'm getting increasingly straightforward and stuck in my own world. I'm feeling suffocated for not being able to do what I want to because they say its wrong and self centered and selfish.

I often think about what is right and what is wrong. Somebody asked me why I bother so much, I don't know. It matters alot to me.


I don't know. I feel lost.



I'm alone and I detest that feeling. I'm not alone, yet I am. Perhaps I can feel that emptiness much more than other people do.

People think I'm strange but honestly I don't care if I'm strange or not. I just act however I feel like and I let my emotions show. But I do care about whether there are people who love me. Just that... I don't deserve them sometimes.

If I care so much about others' impression of me, I shouldn't do what I like so I can fit in, but I want to do what I like. Inner struggles.

I have a million questions and everything ends with a question mark. I wanted this in my coursework initially.




I just talked to a friend who's like that too. I'm not the only one but in a way, I am because within our similarities we have our differences. Understanding these people makes you feel better because you know they understand you a little better, at least.

& they won't say you're weird for having these thoughts. Its a good feeling when their thoughts echo yours. But a bad feeling when they think you're faking about understanding when you truly do. I hate being misunderstood.

I was asking questions about the higher law too. The debate made me realise I dislike it when people don't value their own opinions.



I'm often unhappy and this summarizes everything. This doesn't mean I'm putting on a fake front when I'm smiling cause I get high easily too. Its also strange how I deliberately make a smile fake if I know it is fake, just so people would know its fake (so they know I'm not trying to fake a real smile) I care alot about whether something (expression, words) is fake or not and that might bother some people.



I feel like an oddball and I feel like I'm alone. I don't like it.
I wonder if people learn to like it, or they just like being alone.


Alright, a little better. Its been another bad day.

Want to thank the usual few on msn for cheering me on and helping me out with my work, ideas and everything. You know who you are, thanks so much :) You guys can always talk to me too and you know it!


Still feeling insignificant, and I don't understand why I feel the need to be one of the most important people in someone's life (not a specific who, but for friends whom I feel close to or value) I'm being really honest here, and right now I feel I'm just a friend to some, or maybe a close friend, but not the one they'll find when they're down.

It makes me wonder if I'm a bad friend. Maybe I am.

This doesn't mean I don't appreciate all the really nice things my friends have done for me. & I just don't know if I've done enough.

At least you all survived my whining and emotional stuff. Perhaps I expect too much from people but don't do enough for them. I always wait for people to talk to me first, I think through every word and action of theirs (not all the time, of course). I'm insecure, I'm emotional, I whine, I'm impatient. At least I don't get angry easily, I guess. Maybe I don't sacrifice enough for others.


The taxi driver said I'm nice. I was thinking how I'm actually friendlier, more helpful and nicer towards strangers. Its weird.

How to save a life

I'm so tired.

Too tired to do anything (maybe besides coursework).
So tired of thinking about anything else.
Tired of the emotional trauma, will stop being bothered soon.
Tired of how I always want to do something about it but can't.
Extremely tired to care about talking to people.
Tired to even think about anything.

Tired of how boring this blog is getting, yet I'm too tired to do anything about it right now because my schedule is packed in such a way where I'll have to squeeze every single minute out of my life.

My body's not helping much, my eyesight's getting worse (they always hurt alot), my hair is SERIOUSLY thinning, I'm always SO physically tired. There must a way around this, to sleep early and to be able to do my work and catch up with what the rest have covered a year ago.

That's why I say I'm too busy to bother now.
Perhaps I could squeeze a little time just to know how or why.

Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you

Bought my canvases today, four 16inchesX20inches & two 18inchesX18inches. (roughly A2 size each). To be completed in three weeks, one painting in two days. Its crazy, a detailed A2 size painting every two days. Prep boards should be completed by the next three weeks too.

Researching, detailed (and final) composition, visuals to be done tonight, tracing on canvases tomorrow and saturday. Then I'll be going at full speed with the painting. At least the new brushes make me a little more excited.

On top of all that, I expect myself to do a little geog & econs revision daily after reaching home at night from a whole day in school for art.


Geography was disappointing. I don't know of anybody who passed (even the other classes). I tried my best during the paper, but I know I haven't studied too much because I was SERIOUSLY chiong-ing my art. (even my teacher said I've definitely picked up alot during the two weeks), I just hope I won't fall behind for art again. As for geography, its not that bad (comparatively) but the mark itself is downright degrading.

GP was disappointing. I've never failed a single paper last year. I keep failing this year. It scares me, and its the content that keeps pulling me down. For both compre and essay. I don't support my reasoning with evidence, I'm not clear and succinct all the time (its just in my nature), and a bunch of stuff. I'm not clear about the rest.

Its all about my focus (which is always and forever, off)



Its 80 points to university and I'm only passing art.

Life might get more tiring for me since I've played my entire J1 year away but press on press on press on and just press on!



Pick yourself up, cause that's the only thing you can do.

But sometimes you just wish you knew who'd go on this journey with you. I'm just not significant enough to anybody.

fml I forgot to delete them. I don't know who read it and I don't want anybody to. Cause those aren't on my mind now.

I'd give anything to stay in hongkongk for 1 more month.

The wedding was a blast, and I'm starting to miss my aunties and uncles and cousins already. We're such a closely-knitted family :) The coolest part? 5 out of 8 families stay in the same condo so we met up daily for breakfast, lunch, dinner etc. I'm sure the neighbours must've cursed us while we were making a din up till 2 am, joking around while watching videos and all but they must've been secretly jealous too :P

Its such a pity I'm not as close to them since I only see them once a year :( But great enough we're greeted with open arms everytime.

Photos will be uploaded soon, its 3:15 am and I've got school tomorrow. The flight was nice in a bad way. Touching down at 1am can kill.